The Assassin's Guide To Womanizing
by Bisexual Pygmy
Summary: By Omi Tsukiyono


Assassin's Guide to Womanizing  
  
By Omi Tsukiyono  
  
Introduction  
  
Hello my little bishis. I'm Tsukiyono-sensei and I am here to teach you the ways of the world.  
  
Now that I am in a very fulfilling and committed relationship, I don't really need my womanizing skills. So rather then lock them away in the recesses in my mind, Ken-kun convinced me to write this book to share my brilliance with the world.  
  
I only hope that under my tutelage, all the cutesy puppy boys in the world can make as big of sluts out of themselves as I used to in my heyday.  
  
Also, all these tips are helpful if you prefer fuckbuddies of the male variety too. Just switch the word "Woman" for "Queer"  
  
Chapter 1: Acquiring Target  
  
The most import thing is to make sure you know your target. You don't want to hurt any innocents.  
  
Avoid virgins for the following reasons:  
  
1) They are hard to tag-virgins that are old enough to have sex, haven't yet for a reason. Usually that reason is because they are waiting for someone they love. If you really really want a virgin, be prepared to invest a lot of time into them. Even the horniest virgins usually take at least a month to bed. And if you want it in a month, you had better make her feel special. To the point of using all of your free time going to antique galleries and art shows.  
  
2) Really not worth it-I have nothing against virgins in general, I mean seriously, I spent more then half of my adult . . . well, almost adult life pretending to be one. If you are in love with a virgin I'm sure it's a very fulfilling experience, but if you just want a throw down (which is the entire point of womanizing) then they usually aren't very satisfying. Now you might be wondering why I pretended to be a virgin to get laid if virgins are, as a rule, sucky in bed. The answer is women don't know how crappy virgins are in bed. Either that or they don't care so long as you are cute.  
  
3) You feel like slime-and so you should. If a woman has been holding out for someone special and you took her virginity in a fuck-n-run, you should feel like crap. You are a bad person. If you decide to stick around, good for you, but you are no longer considered a womanizer.  
  
Other groups to avoid:  
  
Fangirls--they may seem like an easy lay, but these girls are rabid and scary. Not only that, they gossip like magpies and are definitely going to brag about their conquest of you. You bed one of them and you can wave bye bye to your sweet innocent squeaky clean reputation. Besides, you never know when one will turn out to be your long lost half sister (now there was a bullet dodged)  
  
Fanboys--they tend to be a bit obsessive. They won't tell others, but they will hang on you annoyingly to the point that others start asking questions. That's a mistake I'll never make again.  
  
The woman that gives you missions--Big mistake. Manx was all insistent that it had to be a one-time only thing, so I thought I was safe. But afterwards she would give me these knowing looks and caressing me all the time. I ignored her until she cornered me and told me I didn't need to be embarrassed about what we "shared" so I told her that I thought it would be better if we go back to the way things were before. She was pissed. Nearly doubled my work load and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. What was I going to say "Manx is mad at me because I screwed her brains out then cut her off?"  
  
Aya-I may have been into meaningless sex, but I have feelings too. He called me Yoji not once, not in the midst of a perception altering orgasm, but every single time I pounded into him. He was pretty good though, if you have absolutely no feelings and you aren't scared to Yoji treating you to a slow and painful death.  
  
Now that we've covered everyone you shouldn't sleep with, lets move on to people that are open season. The perfect target is usually a little older then you and very experienced. Confidence is better then shy and insecure because A) they will be more open to the idea of having sex with you and B) they are better in bed. And don't be afraid to go looking in unlikely places. The last person you would ever consider could be the best orgasm of your life.  
  
Some unlikely treasures:  
  
Sweet, thick-headed teammates-I know, you think I'm biased because I'm in love with the guy, but he is seriously, really good in bed. He chases his instincts so he is always ready to try new things  
  
Swartz-every member brings something else to the table. From Farfarello with his kinky bondage kit to Schulich who can read your mind so he knows exactly what you want. Brad wasn't bad, kind of reminded me of Aya, and Nagi it turns out, is just as big a hentai as me, we used to go out scouting together. Fun times.  
  
Chapter 2: Preparing For Your Mission  
  
One essential part of any womanizer's arsenal is protection. This is where things get tricky. You can't exactly convince a woman that you are a sweet innocent virgin in need of schooling and then whip out a strip of condoms and ask her what color she would prefer.  
  
I like having sex in women's bathrooms so I can buy condoms out of the tampon machine, but make sure you check that there are condoms in there first. Stopping before you finish is just embarrassing.  
  
If you have a buddy to back you up, you can give him your condoms beforehand, and then tell your lady friend that you can go borrow one from your more worldly brother. It would be helpful if your buddy can snicker when you ask him for one in front of the woman.  
  
If all else fails, you can always stop at a convenience store on the way home and buy a pack. Try to get a big one so you are both showing your ignorance in these things and your stamina.  
  
And always remember. When purchasing or borrowing a condom YOU MUST LOOK EMBARRASSED try your best to blush and under no circumstances are you to look like you do this on a regular basis. You're a virgin damnit. You aren't even entirely sure what a condom is.  
  
*Author's note: if you are going after men you are going to need lube. This is much easier. Just have a little tube of massage oil "from your day job" or even some Vaseline for your chapped lips.*  
  
Chapter 3: Achieving Your Objective  
  
Now comes the fun part.  
  
First you have to look innocent. Dress modestly, and in childish clothes if you can pull it off without looking dumb (if you are over 30 it will look dumb regardless). Shorts, high-tops, and long-sleeved t-shirts are what I suggest. If you have a lace-up, mildly revealing fetish top . . . well, people will make fun of you like crazy but the women will be on you like stink on a corpse.  
  
Next you have to act innocent. Blush at anything obviously dirty and give a confused smile at anything subtle. Try to avoid saying sex, but don't use any euphemisms that you wouldn't find in a romance novel (e.g. making love, giving yourself, losing your maidenhead). If she hints at sex then pretend you don't understand a few times. Don't overdo that, she might give up.  
  
You have to get her thinking about sex. This isn't easy to bring up. Ask her to explain some extremely dirty innuendo, blushing the whole time. Tell her you were just dumped. Tell her your brothers abandoned you at the bar because you were a virgin. Be creative.  
  
Chapter 4: Going In For the Kill  
  
Now is your time to shine. Be timid at first, but after a few kisses you can safely claim you were caught up in the heat of the moment and start to be more aggressive. Make sure you give her a good time. There is no pride in being a womanizer if you are just out for your own pleasure.  
  
Make sure you call out the right name. Not only will screaming the wrong name make her suspicious as to your purity, it hurts. If you aren't 100% positive what the woman's name is don't risk it. Call her baby or ma'am.  
  
Make sure you blush afterwards. You might think it isn't important now that you've gotten what you want, but you don't want the woman to know that you played her a fool. That's just not nice.  
  
Chapter 5: Making a Clean Getaway  
  
Now is a good outlet for your creativity.  
  
You want to get away clean without hurting the woman.  
  
For this reason it's usually a good idea to not bring anyone home. Then they can find you.  
  
You don't want her to think that never seeing you again has anything to do with her so there are two basic approaches.  
  
Make her think it won't be possible-you are from out of town visiting a friend. You are moving to Kyoto next week to help your ailing grandfather. You are about to marry a horrible girl you have never met that your parents picked for you. These excuses are all best if you tell her before the sex.  
  
Make her not want to pursue a relationship-"Wow, this is the best 14th birthday a kid ever had." "So, when do you want to get married?" (be careful with that one) "Hey, this is my first ever sex as man, it's way better then being the woman." (that one isn't very nice. I only used it once with a very nasty, smug cheerleader.)  
  
Now I have shared with you my knowledge. Go forth into the world and sow your seeds of love. 


End file.
